Deadlines are for newspapers

Something interesting occurred to me. How it is the nature of the beast when it comes to relationships to set general times scales for specific events to happen. I was reading an forum dedicated for people to go for relationship advice and it was stunning just how many, "How long should I wait before..." messages appeared. What's even more interesting was the sheer number of responses, all seeming to indicate varied responses on why one month was too short for issue XYZ to occur.

Well what the hell happened in that one month? Did you go on four dates, one each week and spend a grand total of 10 hours interacting together, whether in person or on the phone? Yeah, that's pretty soon to be talking marriage plans. That's a little soon to be talking about anything but the fifth date. But if in that same one month period you interacted an average of 5 hours a day, that's 150 hours of interaction with another person. That's a crap load of difference. For the same amount of interaction, the people in example A would be in week 15... nearly 4 MONTHS of dating.

I know what your thinking, that's a little too mathematical. Yes it is... I'm not suggesting that such mathematical precision exists in dating. No analogy is perfect, but the idea of this is to give a good perspective on why setting specific time-related deadlines in terms of months is asinine. Using time-related deadlines at all in relationships is just silly really. But if you are GOING to do it, do it in appropriate terms. Even when measuring in time, not all values are equal.

I spoke with Rose the other day about the point when a relationship must progress to the next stage. She said that a month wasn't long enough to become exclusive. Normally I would agree, but this courtship has been a unique one. Namely, we've interacted with each other every single day, at times the entire day. Those interactions have been limited in person, but we talk every night, and text throughout every day.

And yet, to her, a month is simply too early to date someone. How does THAT make sense? I should be held to the same standard as a guy she's seen 4 times in a month, and has hardly talked to? I don't know if that guy actually exists, but if he does why are we being held to the exact same standard even though Rose and I interacted more in the first two days than this guy and her have in a month.

Relationships are supposed to naturally progress, not based on days or months, but based on the interactions that occur in those days and months. Normally this would be indicative of a relationship heading to the dreaded "friend zone". However, that isn't possible, given I've made my position very very clear, and frankly, when we do spend time together we don't act like "just friends". We are both well aware that this isn't going to turn into just friends... it's very much going to be an all or nothing relationship.

Part of the problem here is that I've been a little overly available. I've made nearly every mistake a guy can make, which isn't uncommon for me. There is a flurry of advice on how to get a woman interested in you, and the fact is that most of it does indeed work. But I can't be someone else for the sake of getting her interested, because eventually I have to be myself and that is going to cause problems if it's not the person she expects.

So I've done this for nearly a month now and I can't really decide if I'm being impatient or not. It's certainly possible, but on the flip side when is being patient TOO patient? I can't put a deadline on that. All I can do is let my brain and heart guide me through the mess. Unfortunately, I get a sense that I'm running out of time before this investment becomes too expensive and I have to pull out. I hate dating.

Is it too early to say I less than 3 you?

What the hell is wrong with me? How in the world can I suddenly, unabashedly fall head over heels for someone in less than two weeks? Someone I've seen twice, for God's sake. This is the weirdest courtship I've ever been involved in. We talk every day, sometimes for hours on end, and yet we've seen each other two times. And the first time we acted more like a couple than the second. So what the hell? She lives 10 freaking blocks away, and yet, this is like a strange long-distance relationship. I've had those before. They suck.

But let's return to the original question. What the hell is wrong with me? This time is probably a record for me. That's saying a lot given the fact that I told a girl I loved her 3 days after we started dating. Granted I was 15, but even then puppy love is a different universe than "falling" is for a 28 year old. And yet I still feel 15. She changed her ringback tone to a song by my favorite band. She's not a huge fan of the band, so of course, stupid me decides to read into it far more than I should be. I am 15.

So now I'm at that epic cliffhanger moment right before I tell her how I feel. And at this stage, we are at a minimum of a few months away from when that is appropriate. No, I'm not going to tell her I love her. At least not in so many words, as the affect that had on my 15 year old companion was... well it sucked. So now I'm in the twilight zone. The part where I manage to mangle a good thing by introducing something WAY too early. Fortunately, I have a great deal of experience in doing just that so I will handle the fallout gracefully. I always do.

The question, however, is why do I do it in the first place? I am always convincing myself "this girl is different", with every girl. And in this case, it's especially ironic, because she is different in the sense that she's a LOT like me. A lot, a lot. We are finish each others sentences alike. Cute-romantic-comedy type alike (for the record, I'd require Seth Rogan to play me). Which begets the ultimate question, why doesn't SHE feel the same way? You might be thinking, "Well Mr. Virgo, you are still unique individuals... and blah blah blah". Yeah I know. But to see this in perspective one must look at the big picture.

In the last two weeks, between talking and texting we've actually surpassed the amount of communication I had during my entire 4 year marriage. I didn't say it was a good marriage, but still, in two weeks? She calls me every day, usually a couple of times. We text every day from the time we wake up until we go to bed. And to cap it all off she's 20 for heaven's sake... 20 year olds are often finding themselves "in love" within a matter of moments.

So what is going on here? Do I jump in the ocean and hope that with all of our commonalities, she feels the same way I do and hasn't said anything? Well no. She's been very careful to use "I don't know" frequently when talking about us. So why the hell is she calling me every day? Do I wait things out and hope in doing so she'll drop the 92389 foot wall she has around her heart? Well, that sucks. So while I'm totally falling in love with her, I'm supposed to "wait" to let her know until an opportune time arises. And what, pray tell, happens if that time never comes up? Then I get hurt for keeping my mouth shut. Awesome.

So, the only reasonable conclusion is holding off as long as I can, and have a statement prepared for when I can't hold back any longer. The biggest problem with this method is my history of bad timing. Not much you can say about it, except that it's incredibly consistent. When is a good time to talk about "exclusive"... that's pretty subjective. But with the bassackwards way this relationship is going, I'm even more lost than usual. And the kicker is, she's supposed to be the confused 20 year old. Go figure.

While a 20 year old seems like a great idea...

So I've come to the conclusion that I'm an idiot. This isn't a new discovery, I had just assumed I was less of an idiot than I was 8 years ago. Apparently that's not the case.

So a while ago, I was at one of our local offices and it happened. A pretty girl walked in. Then something incredibly stupid happened; She smiled at me. Then something even more stupid happened; I smiled back at her. So I was preparing to leave, and the Cosmos decided to intervene and she left at the same time. We did all the normal stuff exchange numbers blah blah BLAH BLAH BLAH.

Which brings us to today, some 2 weeks later. I feel it's necessary to describe the events of this week so you can fully appreciate the insanity of it. But before that, I would like to point out one important fact: there's another 21 year old guy that she's "interested" in. No biggy, 21 year olds are idiots. Oh, the irony.

So, Monday-Wednesday we talk on the phone for longer than I've EVER had a phone connected to my face. God I'm glad I'm on vacation, but the events of those three nights left me with just enough sleep to require 6 cups of coffee and 3 ib profen each morning after. So Thursday night she calls, as per usual, and spurts out that I should come over for a movie after she completes her homework.

Now this came as a shock for a couple of reasons. The first, because the realization that I'm dating someone with freaking homework made me puke a little in my mouth. The second, because this was the first time we'd be meeting. She's been a little distant given the fact that she's still questioning if she wants to pursue a relationship with frat boy or me. How in God's name she's supposed to figure that out without going on dates is beyond me, but what do I know (Hint: See first sentence)?

So we meet, watch a movie, have an all around great time. Super. Stu-freaking-pendous. I don't hear from her Friday, no big deal, and then Saturday (today) rolls around. She texts me half-way through the day that she's having a really hard time deciding between frat boy and I, and she's a little depressed. I was thinking... what the? One "date" (it wasn't even a date) and she's already freaking out? So I reply that if this is too much for her, I will do the honorable thing (I didn't actually say it was honorable, but may as well highlight this fleeting moment of sanity), and step aside since I don't want her to be upset. I haven't heard back... that was 3 hours ago.

So as I sit here, looking at my phone, and back at my computer, I think to myself... what in the blue #$(* am I doing? I've gone on one pseudo-date with this girl, talked on the phone at all hours, and the drama llama has already paid its first visit. And yet, I haven't called and told her it's not going to work. But I did manage to figure out why. I'm an idiot.

UPDATE: So an update on my ever-evolving situation. We just got off the phone a moment ago, after a nearly hour long conversation about, among nothing else, alcohol-induced conquests. She closed the conversation with, "I'll call you later, but I'll probably be drunk." Terrific. Less than two weeks in, 1 semi-date later and I'm already going to get the drunk call.

Immediately after she hung I started weighing in on the possibilities. Is tonight going to be an anti-romantic, "I laove yoou sooo mucch?" Or am I going to get the "I juss dunno wat to doo," complete with drunken sobs and that sound people make when they are snorting snot back in their nose?

Yet, the most burning question, is why the heck didn't I give the, "You're a sweet girl, but..." speech? I had to consider the possibility she was a Siren. Granted, the more likely explanation of this is she's an EXTREMELY attractive 20 year old girl, and I'm a dude. And dude's, apparently regardless of age, are idiots. I still like the idea of a Siren better. Plus, the Siren Theory (as I'll hereby refer to it as), relieves me of culpability when this all blows up in my face.

Now, of course, I've totally screwed up any possibility of ending it quickly. I can't very well end it on a drunk call. That, will no doubt, result in a series of 100s of drunk texts. And she more than likely won't remember either the call, the breaking it off OR the drunk texts. I'm sure you see the same obvious conclusion I do. I'm going to get drunk. That way neither of us remember what the other says. I am an idiot.